Rev. Christopher,

Have you noticed whenever a referee calls a foul against your team, it’s a bad call?  When they call a foul against the other team, well, that’s just a good call. 

Our guys never cheat; their guys always cheat.

There is something wrong with my brain and I don’t get this. I mean, I understand it on an intellectual level, but whether politics or football, I don’t have a team, never have. (link)

In all of my 50+ years, I’ve never picked a football team. Last year, to start a conversation with you and your football friends, I picked a team at random to cheer for: the Cincinnati Bengals. You said, “Pick the Bears!!! Pick Dallas!!!” but I’d already picked, at random, and I was sticking with it.

You laughed, your friends laughed, and I laughed too.

What a strange team to pick.  But dutifully, I became a Bengals fan. They’re going to the Superbowl!  

Since the football season had already started, I decided to wait until next season to start.

Sept 12th was the first football game I ever planned to watch.  The Bengals’ first game of the season was against the Minnesota Vikings.  An interesting coincidence.

The Bengals won, 27 to 24.  

Some Minnesotans said the ending was controversial, but there was nothing controversial about that ending, the Bengals won.

What Little I Know About Football Comes From Vikings Fans

My dumb one claim to fame are 5 predictions I made in 2017. All but one have come to pass. My football predictions have no basis in foreknowledge. That said, if there’s one thing I know about football, it’s that the VIKINGS SUUUUCK!

I learned this under head coach Denny Green because people would scream it every time they lost in the playoffs. Not knowing anything about football, this always struck me as odd. 

It seems to me like getting to the playoffs was pretty good.  That is until MY team, the Cincinnati Bengals, became the AFC Champions and are going to the SUPERBOWL.  I’m not sure if you heard.

Ingroup Preference / Outgroup Derogation

Our team is great. Your team sucks. 

Penalties against Your team are great. Penalties against Our team are terrible.

You can’t wind back the clock.

I’m going to speculate about two things:

1. If Denny Green would have won, he would have been a hero.

2. If the Minnesota Vikings had won the 2018 Super Bowl, when it was in Minnesota, the George Floyd riots might not have taken place.  

We would have all had the opportunity to be together as a group.    

Now, we can disagree, and in reality, we’ll never know, because the Vikings are never, ever going to win a Superbowl.  They do hold the record for the most Super Bowl games without a win.
(The Vikings suuuuuuuuck!)

I’ve never given a crap about any of this stuff, but all of a sudden, now that my team is in the Super Bowl, it all makes sense.

A Thought Experiment (Requires Suspension of Disbelief)

Imagine the Vikings had made it to the Super Bowl in 2018.  We know this is impossible, because:

1. You can not go back in time.
2. The Vikings are never, ever, going to win a Super Bowl.

But just for fun, imagine it. 

The Vikings at US Bank Stadium. Everybody is there with their purple jerseys, they got their dumb braids, they’re blowing their big ole’ horn, the Prince symbol projected on the side of the stadium, the bridges and buildings are all purple, and by some miracle of God, the Vikings won the Super Bowl.

You know and I know, these crazy sons of baptists would burn this city down and the next day EVERYONE would pull that purple jersey out to wear it to work.

When they did, every other person wearing a purple jersey, regardless of skin color, would see a brother or a sister.  There would be unity and love in this state like nothing anyone had ever seen before.

And all the smart people would still be wearing Packers Jerseys.