Well, it’s been a quiet month here in Lake Wobegon – the little town out here on the prairie. The big trial of officer Derek Chauvin for the murder of George Floyd, an African American man who ain’t done nothing wrong, is finally over.
But ethnic youths getting killed by police is an old story here in Minnesota.
The Hansens, the Ingalls, Olsens, Nelson’s, Ellisons, and Doc Baker, are all familiar names here in Lake Wobegon.
Little House in the Big Hood: A 5:00 Play in Two Parts[1][2]
This story goes back, long before the Dakota Sioux Uprising in Mankato, the 2nd Annual Women’s Suffrage Conference in 1885, before Prohibition, the Duluth Lynchings, Marxist Feminism, and more than a century before Minnesota’s Skinheads became Anti Racist.
We go all the way back to a small town called Walnut Grove, Minnesota – to civil war hero Mr. Granville Whipple, wounded at Shiloh.
Old Mr. Whipple came back with quite a hankerin’ for morphine, which Doc Baker provided. Young Albert Ingalls developed quite a hankering too.
Many of you know that Walnut Grove was blown up to keep the Capitalists from exploiting it, and Albert Ingalls went on to become a doctor.
Wobegonians learned a lot from that history.
George Floyd brought some new names to town: the Whitakers and the Wrights, the Crenshaws, the Crowshoes, and the Crump-Sharptons.
Derek Chauvin was the first time MN police killing a man ever resulted in a murder trial. It’s also the first time MN Criminal court has been on the TV. True Wobegonians don’t believe in stereotypes about women or minorities and sure didn’t want to be embarrassed on TV.
So we all went down to the Hennepin County Govt. Center so The Reverend Lawyer Crump Sharpton could tell us all how to feel about it.
As I said, true Wobegonians know that stereotypes about women and BIPOC are wrong, and will go out of their way to avoid seeing them. And if we can help it, make sure that no one else sees them either.
We all know that juries don’t get prejudiced by politicians publicly calling defendants murderers, demanding verdicts, or paying out record breaking settlements before trials even begin.
We certainly know Minneapolis Firefighters and Professional MMA Fighters aren’t threatening at all when they’re yelling vulgarities at you.
That kind of thinking is just downright old-fashioned.
Wobegonians understand the evidentiary value of having 8 year olds testify in international murder trials, and that teenaged girls would never shoot videos to be dramatic or sensationalizing.
Feminist Fire Hero Genevieve Hansen was not hysterical or confrontational. She was clearly concerned for the safety and well-being of both George Floyd and the Police.
Donald Williams, Professional Mixed Martial Arts Fighter wasn’t a dangerous threat, he was only ever helping.
Then there’s Doc Andrew Baker, longtime Hennepin County Medical Examiner, who nearly lost his position for contributing to Institutional Racism. He had the gall to include a toxicology report suggesting that Mr. Floyd died of a drug overdose and heart condition. Can you believe this guy?
Apparently, Doc Baker didn’t get the memo from Reverend Lawyer Crump Sharpton that all you needed to do was watch the arrest video and ignore all of the other evidence.
Doc Baker used the memo from Sweasey and DA FREEMAN, who both paid him a visit, to use the body and not the video so he wouldn’t be biased in his autopsy or report.
Retired Medical Examiner Dr. Lindsey Thomas certainly got the memo, and knows based on the lived experience of medical examiners throughout the US, how to disregard a 3,000 incident study. “Isn’t that amazing?!”
Obviously, Canadian police knees are different from American police knees, or perhaps Canadian necks are different from American necks. We may never know.
On cross examination, Jerry Blackwell, suggested the defendant, who is literally a white male chauvinist pig, may have killed Abe Lincoln. Eric Nelson objected, the judge sustained, and Dr. Thomas giggled in open court.
Right around this time, Officer Kim Potter, no relation to the Red Wing Potters, was training rookies on how to tell the difference between a gun and a taser.
The Reverend Lawyer Crump-Sharpton: “We’re here today with Kimberle’ and Mic Crenshaw and Chyna Whitaker and Felonious Floyd to demand justice for this young man they will try to tell you had felony warrants for arrrrmed robbery or was trying to evade arressst….”
Wobegonians are instead instructed to believe this is clearly a case of first-degree, stone-cold, murder. We also all know that hoopin’ doesn’t only mean playing basketball.
Well folks, that’s the news from Lake Wobegon – where the women are strong, the men are good looking, and all the children are above average.
AUTHORS NOTE: This is an algorithmically created description of the phenomena I call, “Lake Wobegon Affective Disorder.”
